Here are the Tantrum (our annual Onion-esque April Fool’s edition) articles from this year:
Front page headlines:
Towne Meeting to vote on legislation banning first-years from asking thesis students about their thesis
Downtown Sarasota Farmer’s Market to move to Shell parking lot
Physical Plant worker changing your AC filter actually undercover cop looking to bust you for candle usage
Avant-garde harsh industrial noise sound installation to become permanent part of JBC Library
By: Magdalene Taylor
All 600 missing Ham plates found stacked to ceiling of Donal O’Shea’s office in Valentine’s Day craft gone wrong
Campus police stormed the office of President Donal O’Shea in Cook Hall last week upon receiving an anonymous tip that O’Shea was the culprit of the missing dining hall plates. They discovered all 600 missing plates stacked in multiple towers to the ceiling, with O’Shea frantically trying to glue heart-shaped cutout photos of himself to each plate with the message “Love from Don.”
“I forgot about Valentine’s Day, and I panicked! Everyone expects a heartfelt Valentine from me each year – it’s too much pressure! I didn’t have time to go to the local Joanne Fabrics for some craft supplies, so I thought I’d use my next available surface – those gleaming white Ham plates,” he said.
O’Shea’s plan became increasingly complicated when he realized the plates would require a special adhesive.
“I tried it all – Elmer’s, glue sticks, the blue kind that dries clear, wood glue, Gorilla Glue, but nothing worked,” O’Shea tried to explain. “The only thing I could find that worked was chewed up Big League Chew bubblegum. So I ran across Tamiami – didn’t even have time to take the overpass – to Shell and bought their whole supply. My dentist says it’s only milkshakes and smoothies for me until my jaw stops hurting from all that chewing!”
First year just now realizes he’s not at The New School
First-year Ron Davis of Orlando, Florida, came to a bitter discovery this weekend when he realized he was not enrolled at The New School in New York City, as he had previously thought. Davis reports that he had spent the last six months believing he was in Manhattan pursuing a degree in Urban Studies.
“I thought it was a little weird that I couldn’t see any tall buildings around, but they say it’s a bubble here. I don’t really get off campus much.”
Students ‘pretty impressed’ by how fast second-year rides down overpass on his longboard
Numerous students report being “pretty impressed” by the speed at which second-year Forrest Smith rides his longboard down the overpass toward the bay side of campus on his way to Introductory Philosophy at College Hall on Mondays and Thursdays.
“It seems pretty dangerous, and that’s what makes it cool,” third-year Sarah Thompson said.
Bayfront reserved this weekend for annual Gathering of the Juggalos
College Hall and the bay will be reserved this upcoming weekend to host the annual weekend-long festival the Gathering of the Juggalos, celebrating fans of Detroit rap duo Insane Clown Posse.
In preparation for this, all of the water in the bay will be replaced with Faygo, a favorite soda of Insane Clown Posse fans, who refer to themselves as “Juggalos.”
Campus police warns students that there will be numerous guests wearing clown face paint, and not to be alarmed by their shouts of “whoop whoop!”
Though typically held at various locations across the Midwest, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of Insane Clown Posse decided to move the festival to the bay after becoming enthralled by the early 20th century neo-Renaissance architecture and pink marble of the Charles Ringling mansion.
By: Magdalene Taylor
Overpass violating state safety standards: To be taken down immediately
The overpass has become a campus stable. But students who use it to traverse the Tamiami Trail will soon have to find a new route across the highway. A recent inspection by Florida’s State Infrastructure Bank found that the overpass is violating multiple state safety standards.
Students have reported feeling the overpass sway beneath them, seemingly with the wind, but until now it was only speculation as to what was actually going on. While the overpass has been found to be safe – within state standards – for every year since its construction, recent events have led to the deterioration of the bridge’s foundation.
“It’s not just in the students’ minds that the overpass seems unstable,” Director of Facilities Alan Burr said. “The state has found a fairly large cave-like excavation at the base of Pei Campus’ end of the overpass that has put the entire bridge in jeopardy. Apparently they found several household items, and it may be possible that a small colony of people had turned it into a hangout spot. Several empty spray cans were found inside.”
The state has required the school to demolish the entire bridge immediately, only to rebuild it again in accordance with state safety standards. The demolition of the bridge, which is a potential hazard to students and highway drivers alike, will begin on April 20. Reconstruction is projected to last until the beginning of the upcoming fall semester, but even that is not clear.
Students will still be able to cross the highway at the traffic light via car, bike or foot. In anticipation for the increased pedestrian traffic crossing the highway, the state is planning to erect toll booths so that they can collect fees from all crossers, in order for the school to be able to afford the reconstruction. There will be a 53 cent fee for students crossing the road, and only change will be accepted. Barefoot individuals will have a 27 cent surcharge.
“We don’t get enough funding from the state to be able to reconstruct the overpass ourselves, so the state decided that they would erect toll booths along 41 that people must go through to cross the highway,” Burr said. “We are a public school, so they can kind of do what they want… I’m sure students will understand though, where else is the state going to get the money from?”
Despite the expected increase in pedestrian traffic crossing the road, the traffic light’s timer will not be shortened but, instead, extended. With the toll booths having to collect tolls from possibly hundreds of students at a time, the state believes that they will need more time so that nobody will be missed.
The New College administration, in anticipation of this major route change, has decided to implement a new lane for golf carts to cross the highway. Previously, the golf carts had been able to cross the overpass, or even cross the road in a regular car lane, but the expected increase in traffic has inspired them to designate an entire lane solely to golf carts. While there will be an additional lane, there is no plan currently to create additional space, so the golf cart lane will take the place of the right and straight driving lane. Drivers looking to approach 41 will only have one lane to share, regardless of what direction the driver wants to go.
“Housing and other departments will be able to cross the highway in golf carts, and are exempt from the tolls,” Burr said. “In agreement with the state, we won’t have to pay the tolls in exchange for them only having to build a smaller and cheaper overpass, since they didn’t want to put the same amount of money into the bridge that they did last time.”
NCSA Endorses Trump for President
Despite being one of the most exemplary liberal arts schools in the country, the New College Student Alliance has decided to endorse Donald Trump for president.
Co-President Paige Pellaton explained the shocking decision, citing his business-savvy and charismatic personality as one of the key reasons for choosing to endorse the current Republican frontrunner. Like many Trump supporters, his anti-establishment ideals and refusal to give into the ever-emphasized political correction have been inspiring for the NCSA, and believe that their support of the nominee is reflected in the student body.
“Donald Trump is the only legitimate presidential candidate as of right now, and I think if you actually took a look it would be pretty obvious,” Pellaton said. “Not only would his understanding of the business world transfer seamlessly to the presidential position, but the way that he brings a crowd of incredible people together to rally behind him is just awe-inspiring.”
Trump has actually taken a lot of flak recently for the way he conducts his crowds, with many people claiming that he incites violence at his rallies. The NCSA understands these concerns, but insists that the Donald is not to blame – instead pinning that blame on Bernie Sanders supporters for creating the situations in the first place.
“Leave it to a freaking socialist to create such an awful attitude towards people with opposing opinions,” Pellaton continued. “Trump supporters have to defend themselves from these godless communists – we need to make America great again, and these people just want handouts! College, healthcare, $15 minimum wage? Why would I want to pay for something that would only serve to benefit myself and others?”
The NCSA has chosen to stand behind the man with the plan in Trump, and assembled a large rideshare caravan that took all members to vote on March 15. After winning the state behind a diverse and peaceful voting population, Donald Trump currently leads the Republican nomination with 678 pledged delegates.
“Marco Rubio just quit, so that was funny,” Pellaton said. “We still have a long way to go, but I am confident in the intelligence and understanding of Republican voters across the country. Trump has a very clear plan dealing with the most vital issues of today’s world, and the passion and peacefulness of his supporters will only inspire more to vote for him.”
By: Ryan Paice
Diversity at NCF
Every year New College boasts that students who come to this school have amazingly different backgrounds. With the class sizes increasing every year, that is only becoming truer. They come with piercings and dyed hair, from south Florida, central Florida and even north Florida.
“All different types of white people go to this school,” thesis student Daniel “Big D” Anderson-Little said.
“It’s like a melting pot,” thesis student Anna Gabriella said. “If the pot was just full of vegan cream cheese. Like that Tofutti stuff from Boar’s Head.”
If you want to know more about demographics or the statistics about how many people of color go to New College you can check out https://www.ncf.edu/about/quick-facts/ or you can just look at the main page, since all of them will be pictured there anyway.
By: Jasmine Respess
The Four Winds to get a beer and wine license
The headline says it all. Starting as soon as next Monday, various bottles of beer and wine will be stocked alongside the to-go wraps and grab-n-go sushi at the Four Winds café.
“Before I was 21 I wasn’t in favor of the Four Winds getting a license to sell but, now that I am of age, I think why not?” Olivia Levinson, general manager of the Four Winds, said. “Also, like, I realize that the only way the Four Winds has any chance of making money is if we’re able to serve the students exactly what they want,” Levinson acknowledged.
More than a dozen students have already stopped by the café to request their favorite brands of beer and wine. Indeed, it seems that alcohol is just what the New College student body desires.
In addition to craft beers and mini bottles of wine, the Four Winds will be marketing alcoholic creations straight from the fermentation tutorial. The café has already been selling kombucha products from members of the tutorial. So far, they’ve sold like hot cakes.
“When looking into selling kombucha at the Four Winds, we found out it had to be under a certain alcohol content,” Levinson said. This presented a problem as many students in the fermentation tutorial couldn’t get the rambunctious kombucha to stay below 10 percent. “This made us think ‘why don’t we just make all forms of alcohol legal at the Four Winds?’”
The Catalyst spoke with Levinson regarding health concerns that surfaced after a student got hiccups for 14 hours following the consumption of a particularly pale ale from the tutorial.
“It is the spirit of New College to be able to share in each other’s academic accomplishments, be they successful or not,” Levinson commented. “Besides, as one Yik Yak poster claimed, the only thing you have to worry about at the ‘4windz’ is a little bit of armpit hair in your food.”
Speaking of armpit hair, get ready to not see any fuzzy caves at the four winds café. With the acquisition of a license to sell, the four winds will be enforcing a traditional bar and club dress code: no tank tops. Usually, this rule only applies to male-bodied persons but in a move towards gender equality the four winds has decided to apply the code to all.
“We don’t want to assume who is male and who is female so it’s a uniform rule that you cannot wear tank tops in the four winds,” Levinson said. This new ordinance will come into effect next Monday, along with the alcoholic beverages.
Discussion of a dress code at the café began in fall semester when students were complaining of how other students would come in without shirts on. “So I made a rule that you had to wear shirts but, of course, shoes are still optional,” Levinson said.
As long as they are not infringing on constitutional rights, the owners of restaurants, bars and clubs are allowed to create their own dress codes. “I only have a couple more months as the 4windz manager so I hope to exercise as much power as possible, to truly make my mark on New College,” Levinson confessed.
Four winds staff are in the middle of collaborating with Levinson to craft a full dress code, the release date of which is to be announced. A student who preferred to remain anonymous suggested everyone to buy choker necklaces and Doc Martens as soon as possible.
Not long ago, but under different management, the four winds applied for a license to sell beer and wine but found it unfeasible due to a requirement for the establishment to provide at least six, functioning bathroom stalls. The café fell short of this condition by half. Thanks to the school’s Archaeology department, this is no longer an obstacle.
Construction of a large outhouse with three additional stalls is nearing completion between the café and the Anthropology lab. The outhouse will be a purposely primitive remake of ancient lavatory structures. The Archaeology department was keen to help build this outhouse as an educational experiment.
“There’s a pretty widely accepted theory that beer was one of the main causes of people to start living in cities,” Maximillian Mermell, third-year Anthropology student, said. “Once they realized you could ferment stuff people started pooling their resources together to make more beer.” The school’s Archaeology and Anthropology departments are eager to see how the addition of beer and wine to the four winds menu will impact the campus culture.
Interestingly, New College has a history of home brewing their own alcohol in times of desperation. A perfect instance of this are the events which followed the semi-prohibition period during the 2009-2010 school year.
Throughout the year, the school became a borderline dry campus under which only those 24 and older were permitted to be in possession of any form of alcohol (including rubbing alcohol). Within a matter of months, a student under the pseudonym of Al Capone established Brew College.
“Brew College was a club for any student 21 or older to learn how to make their own beer,” Levinson informed. Levinson was involved with some of the club’s activities herself. “I participated in bottling one batch of a particularly hoppy, pineapple IPA.I recommended the beer to the fermentation tutorial so we should be seeing that soon.”
The administration quickly found that, not only were these regulations not keeping alcohol out of dorms, but the age limit attracted locals—“townies,” as the students call them— from the surrounding Sarasota-Bradenton area onto campus.
As much as the townies presented an issue for campus police, the grape stains in the bathtubs of all Pei dorms were what really got the administration to repeal the semi-prohibition restrictions by the time the next school year rolled around.
This “want what you can’t have” phenomena can be seen in the events which led up to the 4windz acquiring the beer and wine license. The changes started to surface in fall semester. In October, the police presence on campus spiked to its highest in the school’s history and students of age reported missing handles of liquor, six packs and even a few bottles of rubbing alcohol. The NCPD declined to comment.
By: Katelyn Grimmett
Ten Questions with Dave
Dave from the Shell gas station is an inseparable part of the fabric of New College, providing innumerable services to students at all hours of the day (and night). Shell is a 24/7 one-stop shopping destination catering to fans of handmade furniture, freshly cooked BBQ, cartons of Camel Blues and the occasional yard sale. In an exclusive interview with the head man himself, the Tangent has gotten a behind the scenes look at this mysterious man of few words.
- How many languages do you speak?
I speak four languages. Two are African languages. One is a European language, English, and the other is my own language, Arabic.
2. Where did you go to college?
I went to college in New York City, in the Bronx.
3. Where are you from?
4. What’s your zodiac sign?
I was born on June 17, Gemini I think.
5. What’s your favorite type of music?
6. What was the best concert you’ve ever been to?
The best concert I’ve ever been to was out of state, in Germany.
7. What’s your Shell BBQ order?
I like the chicken. That’s what I like to order, the chicken sandwich. It’s nice. It’s pretty good.
8. What’s your favorite color?
9. What’s your favorite movie?
I like true story movies.
10. Did you go to your prom?