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New College begins plans for sister campus in Lakewood Ranch

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With a huge incoming class, New College has opted to expand its horizons in the coming years. A longstanding project of the Board of Governors (BOG), the new campus in Lakewood Ranch – dubbed Newer College – will boast facilities to house more than a thousand students and only one classroom, to foster a unique new learning experience.

The dorms on the new campus will be modeled after the Pei courts, down to every detail. In order to preserve their authenticity, the recent third court renovations will be omitted and a plaque outside each building will be engraved with I.M. Pei’s personal dissatisfaction and renunciation of the designs. State-contracted plumbers were stumped as to how they could purposely ruin the plumbing of every unit.

Due to a large lack of funds (the sister campus has a price tag of $50 million while New College’s current bank account balance resembles that of a college student), labor costs will be diverted by offering a summer Independent Study Project (ISP) in construction prior to the academic year. The ISP will be taught by the single general contractor the school kept on retainer, Sam Blunder.

“I’ve never really taught anyone anything before, but it will be nice to have some help on the scaffolding,” Blunder said. Before opening Blunder Contracting, LLC, Blunder says he “helped out with a few Habitat for Humanity projects.”

Admitted students are excited to get started. “While construction isn’t something I planned to study in college – I want to AOC in linguistic anthropology – I really think this ISP will round out my liberal arts education,” prospective first-year Canary Woodpecker said. “I am looking forward to having the full New College experience.”

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