Taurus April 21 to May 20
Keep an open mind when reviewing your OkCupid matches this week. You may find a hidden gem. However, beware the Wizard.
Gemini May 21 to June 20
Beware black cats, for they are a sign of fire.
Cancer June 21 to July 21
As the moon passes through the house of Saturn, you will notice a distinct odor of cheese. Eat as many green beans as possible to counteract this.
Leo July 22 to August 22
Avoid polka dances.
Virgo August 23 to September 22
You will meet someone wearing a hat. You must befriend them at all costs and accompany them on their quest.
Libra September 23 to October 22
If you wish hard enough, Professor Dumbledore will send you a rejection letter from Hogwarts.
Scorpio October 23 to November 21
The metal rod will explode and you will be reborn from the ashes, stronger and more powerful than ever before. Like Lord Voldemort.
Sagittarius November 22 to December 21
The Beagle is your friend this month, but avoid busy prints and fanny packs.
Capricorn December 22 to January 20
Avoid ladybugs this month, as they are harbingers of moldy tomatoes. To deal with your aphid problem, try using a potion made out of shredded cabinet minutes and Faygo.
Aquarius January 21 to February 19
Sex every person you’re attracted to. You’re beautiful and worth it. No one can deny your claim, as long as they give consent.
Pisces February 20 to March 20
All of your endeavors with pudding will be successful.
Aries March 21 to April 20
Your life will be filled with suffering from finals, but once it is over you will be filled with pure joy. Also, avoid magnets.
OARZESTSUS HAS SPOKEN.