Friendzoning added to Student Code of Conduct

Friendzoning by Colt Dodd
The school will spend an estimated $4,200 dollars to have new Code of Conducts reprinted. The funds will be taken from the NCSA budget.

 

After much deliberation among various administrators, friendzoning has been added to the Student Code of Conduct as the 38th violation. Statistics from the Registrar revealed that one of the main contributing factors to the attrition rate was that Student Affairs did not investigate any cases of friendzoning, which led to many unaddressed upsets in the community at large. The Student Code of Conduct has defined friendzoning as “openly acknowledging unrequited affection and regarding the romantic pursuer as ‘just a friend.’”

Dean of Students Tracy Murry spoke with the Catalyst about the severity of friendzoning and how it will be addressed in the future. “I’m really glad that on behalf of the college, we can address this growing concern,” Murry said. “There is nothing more concerning than guys being nice to girls and then being turned down for a date. I want the student body to know that this is something we will not take lightly.”

The Registrar disclosed that during exit interviews with students who were leaving New College, reports of friendzoning had increased by 420 percent. This increase is so significant that third-court resident adviser (RA) Kaylie Stokes is now heading a friendzoning support group meeting in HCL 7 on Wednesday nights.

“We see more instances of friendzoning in first-year residents because they undervalue chivalrous gentlemen,” Stokes remarked. “The object is to cope with friendzoning after it has taken place and what measures can be taken to avoid it happening again in the future.”

Thesis student and Count of B Dorm Robert Ward told the Catalyst that he has never experienced friendzoning first hand and did not understand the measures taken by Student Affairs. “I don’t get Friendzoned because that would imply that I have friends,” Ward said.

At press time, Murry noted that a statue of a bronze fedora would be installed on campus during summer 2015 to replace the fish bench in front of the Counseling and Wellness Center. Funds for the statue were taken from the proceeds of Doritos and Mountain Dew sold at Walls.

“Hopefully this will set New College in a better direction,” Murry concluded.

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