Been there, done that
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Been there, done that

A column answering real questions based on personal experiences

Submitted by Sydney Rosenthal

I’ve started seeing someone and I love the comfortability and consistency of our relationship, but I don’t feel a spark/strong romantic feelings/like I’m crushing on him. I’ve been open and honest about where I’m at with my feelings, but I feel like I’m using him. Should I just end things so he doesn’t get hurt?

Sincerely, it’s complicated

First, I want to commend you on being honest with him. It’s hard to be emotionally open with someone and the fact that you are able to be open in that way is a testament to how comfortable you are in the relationship. At the beginning of my two most serious relationships, I wasn’t sexually attracted to either of the boys. I thought they were physically attractive and I enjoyed spending time with them, but I didn’t get butterflies when I kissed them. In my case that changed with time. The more I got to know them as people, the stronger my attraction to them became. 

In your case, I ask you to consider what’s most important to you in a partner. Ask yourself what your love language is and what you’re willing to compromise having in a relationship. Are you willing to risk not have sexual chemistry in exchange for a partner who does acts of service for you? Only you can answer these questions.

In regards to you feeling like you’re using him, I just want you to remember that you’ve been upfront with your feelings for him. As long as you are keeping him aware of your feelings, it’s his choice to stay in the relationship. I would only caution you if you feel like you’re using him for validation. As RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, then how in the hell are you going to love someone else?” 

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