Q&A: ‘Ask Becca’ (3/13)
How do you come to terms with a relationship that has an expiration date? How do you accept that it has to end?
Dear, “Hey now hey now, don’t say it’s over”
First off, my deepest condolences. For those who haven’t experienced the depths of heartbreak, they may not understand that the end of a relationship is a death, and needs to be mourned and grieved with as much patience, validation, and self soothing as death of a life. Be kind and patient with yourself and with your process.
Denial is a crucial step in this process, as it leads you into the work you need to be doing to feel the pain and loss of a relationship. And although denial is delusion, it’s purpose is to keep us safe from the pain that we know deep down is coming next. Thank the denial for it’s desire to protect you. Accept that it’s there. Don’t feel like you are wrong for not accepting the end, because you’re exactly where you need to be.
But the truth is that all relationships end. That’s the nature of things. We want so badly to hold onto people we love in our lives, and never let them go. In a way we externalize our happiness to the relationships that bring us joy. Remember that you are your own home— whatever house you’ve built in someone else was only there because it was fed by and created with YOUR light. The constant was you all along, I promise. This person is neither the key to or the source of your happiness. Realizing this will be a tumultuous journey, but it will also be one of the most empowering steps toward your emotional freedom you could ever take.
The answer to your question, dear reader, is that you accept the end of relationship by accepting and welcoming the journey ahead. Embrace it, no matter how many tears or breakdowns or awkward interactions there may be. Know that you can’t force yourself to accept that a relationship is over. It happens with time. It’s a process of grieving and healing. It’s not linear, it’s up and down and sideways— but always forward. In time perhaps you’ll realize that although the relationship in that form may have ended, it has lived on in essence, transformed into something new, something softer, something more distant, but always filled with love. Ultimately you may grow into an understanding that the end of the relationship was not only necessary, but it was a gift to propel you in the next chapter of your life. One more beautiful, abundant, and filled with love. Make the study of self love and healing highest on your priorities, and this will be a period of spectacular healing and growth for you.