Guest Contribution by Blake Davidson

After recent construction, the bayfront is now the outlet for Manatee county’s sewage systems. Included in the recent 2013 construction on the New College bayfront was a complex system to relocate excess human waste out of Manatee county and into the bay. New College has signed an $800,000 contract with Manatee county officials to approve this new waste dump. These funds will help the college pay for three additional dorm rooms for its largest incoming class yet (see page 1). With cuts to NCF funding due to poor scorecard performance, school administrators were reportedly “looking for a way out,” an anonymous source reported to the Cataclysm.

Over the past two years, Manatee county has been experiencing issues with their solid waste disposal systems. These systems are over capacity due to an increase in bowel production among residents and can no longer retain this rise in sewage. Land use ordinances place restrictions on where Manatee county’s Public Works Department can relocate solid waste for permanent deposit making remaining options limited within the county. While Manatee county is home to less than 350,00 residents, recent statistics from the U.S. Department of Human Waste and Sanitation show that within the county lines, solid waste production is at a level consistent with a population close to 900,000.

Florida legislature has provided county officials across the state with infrastructure plans to dispose of the solid waste generated in their jurisdictions. With the majority of counties handling three pounds of waste per resident per day, the state government provided Manatee county with the capacity to handle 1.05 million pounds per day, leaving a reported excess of 1.65 million pounds of shit per day.

“Manatee county as a whole and especially Bradenton, have had serious health and safety issues in the past decade stemming from the excess waste our residents produce,” City of Bradenton Public Works Official Kim Clayback said. “We sincerely appreciate the students and faculty of New College choosing to make your campus the new home of our excess feces. On behalf of all Manateeans (and manatees), I apologize for the smell, but we are pleased to finance this brand new college to help educate its students and prepare them for a better tomorrow.”