It’s been 3 days since the outbreak. If you’re reading this, odds are you’re a survivor of one of the most deadly games ever to pervade New College—the feverish, adrenaline-pumped plague that is: ZOMBIES!

Any human lucky enough to salvage a copy of today’s Catalyst (or any zombie mindlessly chewing this week’s paper over) might find useful some of the general advice of second-year and newly-appointed Zombies Coordinator Ben King. King explained he had a great wealth of knowledge on the subject of reanimated corpses but offered just a few concise tips for both humans and zombies playing the game.

Humans: “Go to classes early, leave classes late. If you’re living in Pei, only go in and out of your room at most once a day. So leave early in the morning and get there later in the night. Buy squirt bottles. We’re gonna give you squirt guns, but really the best idea in this is to go buy one dollar squirt bottles from Target. They hold a lot of water and they work really well. “

Zombies: “Being in a group helps because if you’re in a group with a bunch of other zombies, you can coordinate with each other on attacking the humans. A single zombie can never defeat a single human. It just doesn’t happen. Unless that zombie has a really good surprise attack on the human, face to face, a zombie will never be able to defeat a human. But a zombie with bunches of other zombies can almost always beat a human.”

The battle rages on until Fri. 29 at 7:00pm when the game reaches its final checkpoint and the champion humans and zombies are named. To the brave humans still out there, keep your guard up and stay strong. To the defunct, brain-craving zombies, GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAA.