What Election 2016 taught us about winning your Thanksgiving table argument

Photo credit: Pariesa Young
Photo credit: Pariesa Young

I think we can all admit it’s been a tough past couple weeks, and we could all use a break. However, with the angry orange man now looming over both society and the dinner table, there’s a new danger on the horizon: Thanksgiving table talk. And once the topic of elections gets dropped, let me assure you, you’re probably best off just hiding under the table. But Election 2016 has taught us a few lessons, so if you can’t do that, here are a few tips for how to win an argument with your more politically questionable relatives.

 

  • Don’t use the word “wall”. Or “great,” for that matter. Try using “partition,” and “splendid” instead. In fact, just break out your thesaurus. Time to drop those SAT-level synonyms.
  • Don’t send any emails involving Benghazi at the table. We all know how this one turns out.
  • Don’t agree to release your tax records until after the argument. Remember that you have nothing to hide, so your relatives should just take your word for it, and let you keep on hiding things.
  • When things get tough, just start belting out Katy Perry’s “Part of Me.” Once you start singing singer and songwriter Katy Perry’s hit song, there’s just no way even your most disagreeable relatives won’t sing along. And if that doesn’t work on its own, put on the music video. There are guns in it.
  • Prove to your younger cousins that you’re “just one of the kids.” Pokemon Go puns and Star Wars references work great for this.
  • Live tweet your Thanksgiving argument to gain an army of less-informed followers. As long as you stay away from the subject of facts or “how things are,” you’ll do just fine.
  • Claim the argument is rigged. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. Believe me.

 

 

Leave a Reply